At times like this, I have to write about Michelle. She is my wife, and I think about her constantly. I should warn you that this could be a mushy post.
Michelle is the best person I have ever met. Let me preface this by saying that I am not an easy man to live with. Since my mom died, specifically, I have not been the person that I was before. Gradually, I slipped into these tendencies–social anxiety became more heightened, sometimes even being touched gives me anxiety. But more than that, I’m afraid. When I look at her and look at myself, I am afraid because in my mind, there is no way I can ever be the man she deserves.
This is a woman who has seen me at my worst, and in worse depths than even I thought I could reach. Depression makes you tune out everything. It makes you tune out things and people that you love. I go through periods where I don’t take care of her, or myself, or anyone, or anything. I’ve gotten so good at my job that I can muscle through it even when I’m down and still make a good impression. But when I’m at home, dealing with it right next to the person I love, there is no hiding anything. Meanwhile, when I’m down, in a way I step outside of myself and watch as I fail to live up to my expectations as a husband to this amazing woman. And I hate that. It bothers me deeply. During those times, I would expect her to just have a meltdown and kick me out, or worse. But she doesn’t She just, by some power I can’t wrap my mind around, continues to love me in spite of myself.
I’ve always said that my mother was the toughest woman I have ever known. But, I see the same strength in my wife. She is loyal and strong, and will love her family regardless of what they say, do, or become. I never in my life, not even on my best day, deserved to be a member of such a fold, but I am.
I can’t express how I feel about her. I stumble over my words at every attempt. She never ceases to amaze me. You should see her pursue her goals relentlessly. You should see how she visualizes the path to something great, fixates on it, and makes it happen. Sometimes I wonder if I am just an obstacle to all the things she wants to accomplish.
She inspires me to do greater things with my life. I’m advancing my career and laying the foundations for a family and home. I’m pushing myself to new levels, all because of her.
When she is in the room with me, it’s like someone is shining a light into my mind. So little darkness. Sometimes when I’ve been home all day, and she’s out, it feels like everything is a little bit dimmer. Again, it is difficult for me to put this into words. Even out pets perk up when she arrives. It is amazing. It’s like the sun came up at last.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and watch her sleep, and marvel at how lucky I am. I have no right to ever complain about my life (even though I do sometimes).
There are a million things that I could do better for her. I have a running list in my head. Even though she never says a thing, because she is is so incomprehensibly compassionate, I am fully aware. I think that fear that you’ll not live up to what you know your spouse deserves is a good thing (in my case, at least). It isn’t something she has created. On the contrary, she is constantly affirming. It is something that drives me to be a better person.
This probably comes off more of a self-criticism than a proclamation of love. But, that’s not the point of this. The point is: This is a woman who doesn’t just see the best in me. She sees everything, and has stayed by my side. I want to be as good as her. I want my children to be as good as her. I’m going to strive for that as my life’s goal. Marrying Michelle was God’s catalyst for me to become the kind of man who can fight through the depression no matter how long it takes, and make my family proud. I’m thankful for that.